I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
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When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
Hitlers gonna hitl
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on