I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.

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Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.


*bumpes into my ex on the street

*dials a number

Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!


Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?


Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them


“You’ve got a friend in me.”

– Cannibals, probably


“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”


My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches


US customs officer during passport check at airport:
You were born in Beirut? Why the GER passport??
Me: No, it’s Bayreuth, see, the spelling is different!
Him: What’s the difference?
Me: My town is in GER, the other is in the Middle East.
Him: Sir! Are you from the Middle East??