I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
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Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Passed by a old school Math example today.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking