I don’t have an onlyfans because the 2 guys who said they would subscribe are low on cash right now.

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Dad: Maybe we should do it

Mom: You know it’s I-N-A-P-P-R-O-P-R-I-A-T-E to talk about it in front of the kids

6: What’s inappropriate Mom?


If women had to be assembled, a lot of us would probably just play with the box…


Me: How are you?

Co-worker: *Gives 20 minute dissertation on their gastro infection*


My husband can’t tell if the dishwasher is clean or dirty but anytime I pull out one of his tools, he’s right there to TED talk me through it.


At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.


Instagram: My life is a party.

Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show

Facebook: My life turned out great!

Twitter: We’re all going to die.


INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat

ME: omg was I supposed to bring one


Scientist: Your bear/owl hybrid has escaped.
Me: Dont worry. I put a gps collar on it
Scientest: So u can..
Me: Track my bowl movements, yes


It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.