How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
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Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me: