I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.

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YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you


The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500


*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate*

*Creates a soulmate*


Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.

Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.

Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.


Where was the NSAs wire taps when the McCallisters were leaving messages with all the neighbors that Kevin was home alone? Thanks Obama.


I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.