Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
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Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Posting this on behalf of a friend
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.