I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
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*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.