I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
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We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
hackers play passwordle
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”