I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
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[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
This guy gets it.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there