@mistrustme1

I don’t have one junk drawer anymore. I’m 46, I have a junk life.

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@aveuaskew

If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.

@distracdad

*boarding helicopter to Jurassic World*

Pilot: Why do you guys keep going back there?

@SBinLondon

Best thing I’ve seen on Facebook all day: “I thought Ariana Grande was a font.”

@longwall26

Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity

@Mouthy_

Three people I never mess with:n1- PMSing women.n2- Truck drivers.n3- PMSing truck drivers.

@_Water_Baby

I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.

@cravin4

My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory

@robfee

The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.

@lazerdoov

*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*

@sarawrencomedy

SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.

ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*