About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
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My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.