If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
I don’t have one junk drawer anymore. I’m 46, I have a junk life.
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*boarding helicopter to Jurassic World*
Pilot: Why do you guys keep going back there?
Best thing I’ve seen on Facebook all day: “I thought Ariana Grande was a font.”
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
Three people I never mess with:n1- PMSing women.n2- Truck drivers.n3- PMSing truck drivers.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*