“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
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[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.