Oh, you’re a fan of music? Name one song.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
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trainer: i thought we could work on building up your calves today
me: (looking at my baby cows) you guys are kind, smart, important, and i appreciate you
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
Love is patient. Love is kind. Love has never been in a relationship apparently.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
Coworker: Are you seeing anyone?
CW: Then why are you dating her?
Me: No, I meant you’re standing in front of me.
No thanks, diet. I don’t trust words that are 75% die.
only thing keeping me from being stripper is about 60 pounds
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
Before you get married ask yourself: is this the person you want to watch stare at their phone the rest of your life?