@_SingleBabyMama

“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”

aaaaand….now I’m bald.

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@liv_thatsme

trainer: i thought we could work on building up your calves today

me: (looking at my baby cows) you guys are kind, smart, important, and i appreciate you

@smilely_gal

With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.

@yoyoha

Love is patient. Love is kind. Love has never been in a relationship apparently.

@markydoodoo

I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.

@Sarcasticsapien

Coworker: Are you seeing anyone?
Me: Unfortunately.
CW: Then why are you dating her?
Me: No, I meant you’re standing in front of me.

@ohpeetie

No thanks, diet. I don’t trust words that are 75% die.

@LeaMehanna

Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine

@juliussharpe

Before you get married ask yourself: is this the person you want to watch stare at their phone the rest of your life?