“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
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An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
no cat here
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.