“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
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DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.