@thepaulahunt

“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.

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@bonehugsnirony

Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.

@gobmentcheese

If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.

@ArfMeasures

Doctor: You suffer from delusions

Me: I don’t think so

Doctor: They seem real but they’re not

Stuart Little: He’s lying to you

Me: Yeah I know

@sarawrencomedy

SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.

ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*

@BberrySurprise

“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.

@KyleSmells

cop: stop you’re breaking the law

me: [floating in mid air] i hate newton’s laws

@squirrel74wkgn

Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.

@BangGanged

I slept on the sofa last night which is weird because I’m not even married.

@jnrbtsn

Go ahead, judge me. Wait, let me get my bat first. Alright, I’m ready now.