I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
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[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
When your best mate counts as a desk too
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
just witnessed a drug deal