Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
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ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me: