@peterjames48

“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.

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@KevinFarzad

College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.

@radtoria

[chicken buying a car]
Salesman: Hop on in! You’re gonna love these bucket seats.
Chicken: OH GOD

@TitansHomer

My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.

She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.

@HeyZeus666

The key ingredients for a successful diet :

Duct tape
Rope
Rat poison
Shovel
Bag of lime
Alibi

What?…wait. Wrong list.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?

@palokin

Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it

@1evilidiot

Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.

@SaulOdenkirk

Boss: You drink everyday and I think you need an intervention..

Me: I work everyday so I should quit that too?

Boss: No..

Me: Good talk

@C_GraceT

I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING