College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
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Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
[chicken buying a car]
Salesman: Hop on in! You’re gonna love these bucket seats.
Chicken: OH GOD
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
The key ingredients for a successful diet :
Bag of lime
What?…wait. Wrong list.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
Boss: You drink everyday and I think you need an intervention..
Me: I work everyday so I should quit that too?
Me: Good talk
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING