“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
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It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁