“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
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Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.