Who does Santa think he is, judging me?! I might be naughty, but he’s fat.
I don’t hold grudges or plot for revenge, I will simply send a bunch of Jehovah’s witnesses to your door…on a daily basis.
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If you’re going to attack me in an @, you better be prepared to give me like three hours or so to think of a good comeback.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
Relationship status: I’m seeing several women in my neighbourhood.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.