I don’t hold grudges or plot for revenge, I will simply send a bunch of Jehovah’s witnesses to your door…on a daily basis.

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Who does Santa think he is, judging me?! I might be naughty, but he’s fat.


If you’re going to attack me in an @, you better be prepared to give me like three hours or so to think of a good comeback.


Relationship status: I’m seeing several women in my neighbourhood.

*wipes binoculars*


I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.


Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.


“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning


*DOG Talks

Dog (wearing headset):

So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.


Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?

Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*