“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
You Might Also Like
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters