Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
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My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
Don’t tell me what to do
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
set yourself free xox
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?