I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.

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FACT: The Ghostbusters are a paralegal entity who enforce arbitrary restrictions on Post-Corporeal Americans.


Millions are killed each year because they go potty without checking behind the shower curtain first. Be smart. Peep before you poop.


this is your brain

*points to egg*

but this is your brain ON DRUGS

*puts egg on pile of drugs*


I can no longer remember if I’m wearing clothes under this huge pile of candy wrappers.


If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher


I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.


I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”


Cashier: Have a great day

[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}

Me: I have bad news