I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
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I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
Sooo many times…..
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.