@OneFunnyMummy

I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.

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@yerpalmildsauce

FACT: The Ghostbusters are a paralegal entity who enforce arbitrary restrictions on Post-Corporeal Americans.

@SuperApple8

Millions are killed each year because they go potty without checking behind the shower curtain first. Be smart. Peep before you poop.

@BlackCheesePie

this is your brain

*points to egg*

but this is your brain ON DRUGS

*puts egg on pile of drugs*

@Gooooats

I can no longer remember if I’m wearing clothes under this huge pile of candy wrappers.

@dimplesticks

If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher

@TheBoydP

I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.

@SamanthaaaReece

I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”

@SomePieceOfshit

Cashier: Have a great day

[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}

Me: I have bad news