I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
You Might Also Like
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
*looks at you in batman voice*
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
only 11 steps left
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.