@FattMernandez

I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.

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@MBittersweet25

Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.

@lorigonzalez28

Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.

@theDanLawler

Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.

@therealeatwood

Day 1: injected self with mouse DNA

Day 2: ate 12 blocks of cheese

Day 3: 15 blocks

Day 4: experiment is failure; no observable changes

@JustinGuarini

The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.

@shastamaria

When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.

@TheHyyyype

friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener

me: here, give me your lighter

friend: ok

me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener

@WigCannon

Do you know why I pulled you over?
“Yes, because I was driving a motorized toilet.”
I meant this time
“Oh. No.”
Please step out of the oven.

@crushingbort

Home Alone (1990, Comedy) Two burglars attempt to murder an abandoned 8-year-old child