Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
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Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
Day 1: injected self with mouse DNA
Day 2: ate 12 blocks of cheese
Day 3: 15 blocks
Day 4: experiment is failure; no observable changes
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
Do you know why I pulled you over?
“Yes, because I was driving a motorized toilet.”
I meant this time
Please step out of the oven.
Home Alone (1990, Comedy) Two burglars attempt to murder an abandoned 8-year-old child