I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
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Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
You wish you had this many chins.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.