I don’t just talk to myself. I talk to myself, get in a debate, lose, and then refuse to speak to myself for the rest of the day.

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Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.


[plane crash]

survivor: it was horrible

rescuer: it’s ok, you’re safe now

s: but we had to eat the other passengers

r: hush, you did what you needed to do to survive

s: I suppose, the only food left in the galley was Hawaiian pizza

r: how awful, you clearly had no choice


[on a first date]

Her: I don’t like guns

Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*


Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.


Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…

But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”


[ Dracula opens freezer ]

Her: What are you doing with my tampons?

Dracula: Making popsicles


They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years


I don’t mind not being everyone’s cup of tea because ‘Everyone’s cup of tea’ seems unsanitary


“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.