[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
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I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
This could be us but you eatin’
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?