I don’t just talk to myself. I talk to myself, get in a debate, lose, and then refuse to speak to myself for the rest of the day.

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governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert


Cop: Ma’am, do you know how fast you were going?

Me: *pointing to my friend* She’s in labour, we need to get to the hospital!

Cop: OMG! Would you like a police escort?

Me: Well, if they make it a quickie and keep the uniform on.


I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:

Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1


judas: yo
jesus: sup
judas [hiding crocs behind back]: would u like if someone bought you crocs
jesus: id rather be betrayed lmao
judas: wow


I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge


*uneasily answers phone

‘Guess who?’








‘No, I made you very happy the other night’

Haagen Daz?


Pizza Hut?


To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.


What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision


Nothing makes a friendship more awkward than saying “Cute doggie” and realizing it’s their kid


I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.