I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
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Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.