@lecalabara

I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.

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@Just_Lee_

My horoscope says I will meet the man of my dreams today. Not sure how my husband will take the news but I’m pretty damn excited

@Divergentmama

“Mommy, why is dinner actually good tonight?” and other things my kids say that make me love and hate them at the same time.

@ClichedOut

I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.

Yeah. Offer delivery.

@hazelmotes1

“They are more afraid of you than you are of them.”

-people who know even less about me than they do about bears

@notacroc

Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*

Bouncer: you still can’t go in

@shutupmikeginn

[ear is bleeding for 3 days straight] hmm better keep an eye on that.
[laptop slow for one second] i gotta run AdWare & antivirus right now

@TheGayFlash

The Pink Panther’s To Do list:
– To do
– To do
– To do, to do, to do, to do, to doooo

@1MeLrO

I get my best cardio at the grocery store because I never make a list

And back to isle 3 and repeat

@iwearaonesie

complaining about your wife’s stories will result in having to sit through her story about the time you complained about her stories

@BakedBrotatoes

[Judas standing alone waiting to be picked for dodgeball]

-Come on it was one time guys

*Jesus drags the CPR dummy to his side of the gym*