I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
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Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
Golf would be better with landmines.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
Banking tips
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch