My horoscope says I will meet the man of my dreams today. Not sure how my husband will take the news but I’m pretty damn excited
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
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“Mommy, why is dinner actually good tonight?” and other things my kids say that make me love and hate them at the same time.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
“They are more afraid of you than you are of them.”
-people who know even less about me than they do about bears
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
[ear is bleeding for 3 days straight] hmm better keep an eye on that.
[laptop slow for one second] i gotta run AdWare & antivirus right now
The Pink Panther’s To Do list:
– To do
– To do
– To do, to do, to do, to do, to doooo
I get my best cardio at the grocery store because I never make a list
And back to isle 3 and repeat
complaining about your wife’s stories will result in having to sit through her story about the time you complained about her stories
[Judas standing alone waiting to be picked for dodgeball]
-Come on it was one time guys
*Jesus drags the CPR dummy to his side of the gym*