I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
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Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.