I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
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Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.