I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
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I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner