I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
You Might Also Like
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.