PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
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My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
A double negative is a big no-no.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.