[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
You Might Also Like
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
we did it you guys we saved daylight
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week