I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
You Might Also Like
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Morning my dudes.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.