I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding

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The Great Gatsby was so unrealistic. So many people at those huge parties and not once did anyone ask for the wifi password.


Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.


COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on


Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.


“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”


*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who


All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.


No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.


me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*