If you like to speak in different languages while high off marijuana, you’re probably Rosetta Stoned.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
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Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
No beer or Snacks?!? WORST. PARTY. EVER.
Family: uh…this is an Intervention
Me: LAME, look, Grandmas so bored she’s crying
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
me: so… i gave him the birds and the bees talk
wife: great! what did he say?
me: his exact words were “dad, i’m not into that vanilla shit”
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together