I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding

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If you like to speak in different languages while high off marijuana, you’re probably Rosetta Stoned.


Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?


Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.


Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.


The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.


No beer or Snacks?!? WORST. PARTY. EVER.

Family: uh…this is an Intervention

Me: LAME, look, Grandmas so bored she’s crying


Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.


me: so… i gave him the birds and the bees talk

wife: great! what did he say?

me: his exact words were “dad, i’m not into that vanilla shit”


Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together