@wolfmannjr

I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding

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@LindseyEllison2

If you like to speak in different languages while high off marijuana, you’re probably Rosetta Stoned.

@Jake_Vig

Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?

@Lazer_Cat_

Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.

@CheryeDavis

Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.

@Jandalize

The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.

@Amazon_Blonde

No beer or Snacks?!? WORST. PARTY. EVER.

Family: uh…this is an Intervention

Me: LAME, look, Grandmas so bored she’s crying

@Shwetangles

Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.

@arcadeseals

me: so… i gave him the birds and the bees talk

wife: great! what did he say?

me: his exact words were “dad, i’m not into that vanilla shit”

@david8hughes

Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together