• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
You Might Also Like
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat