@mommajessiec

I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.

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@_missmoll414

My mother has been called for jury duty. The woman sits on her deck w/a BB gun shooting at deer for eating her flowers. Buckle up defendants

@dadmann_walking

In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.

@Maxine12333

The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.

@withanewname

Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.

Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.

@_Prozach74

Ignorance is only bliss until you wish you knew the answer

@kailaniskye

my 14 year old sister posted on snap “sucks to see someone else enjoying the man you built” LMAO

@LoveNLunchmeat

him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]

me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]

@HunkyBeefy

“What has 8 arms, is ominous looking and ink is its weapon of choice?”
“An octopus?”
“No Jeff, the answer is my wife’s 4 divorce attorneys”

@DiamondLou69

Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.