I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
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I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
What a kind woman! 😂😂
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.