I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.

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My mother has been called for jury duty. The woman sits on her deck w/a BB gun shooting at deer for eating her flowers. Buckle up defendants


In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.


The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.


Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.

Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.


Ignorance is only bliss until you wish you knew the answer


my 14 year old sister posted on snap “sucks to see someone else enjoying the man you built” LMAO


him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]

me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]


“What has 8 arms, is ominous looking and ink is its weapon of choice?”
“An octopus?”
“No Jeff, the answer is my wife’s 4 divorce attorneys”


Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.