I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
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Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
My birthstone is kidney
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.