Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dracula: you gotta stop

me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad

i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight

what’s more important?

Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-

Robin: you LIKE him!

Batman: omg shut up lol I do not

Hey all,

I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.

From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.

Forgive me—I will do better next time.

~a dad, trying

ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate

COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly

ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here

If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.

imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush

A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.

My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.

(Watching him change a flat tire)

Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it

Me: We sure will

(Hands him the bottle)

Him: The CAR jack

Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.

Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.

[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it

[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair

in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.

There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen

This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.

Me: Go clean your room.

10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.

*getting a deli sandwich*

person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?

me: yes

person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price

me: that’s ok I’m good

person: it’s FREE cheese tho

me: I don’t want that much cheese

person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE

me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.

me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?

“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.

[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry

A door was tried in court.

It was an open and shut case.

*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.

A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer

If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….

it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos

I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.

I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…

Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.

In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.