I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
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My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.