I don’t know if this day is tantamount to the worst day of my life because I don’t know what tantamount means.

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“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.


I have some popcorn in my teeth. You guys just go on without me.


I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*


“50 Cent for 2Pacs of Eminems!? That’s Ludacris!”


I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.


How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?


I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.


Me on the Phone: I’m going to “work” from home today.
My Boss: I heard those air quotes.


Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!

Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.


No matter how prepared you think you are,

a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.