@tsm560

I don’t know if this day is tantamount to the worst day of my life because I don’t know what tantamount means.

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@TheDeadfishSays

“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.

@YouGuysDoIt

I have some popcorn in my teeth. You guys just go on without me.

@Dildotron

I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*

@NeatFoxes

“50 Cent for 2Pacs of Eminems!? That’s Ludacris!”

@muyrando

I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.

@AmishPornStar1

How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?

@BagginsMomo

I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.

@Gooooats

Me on the Phone: I’m going to “work” from home today.
My Boss: I heard those air quotes.

@asaltiercorpse

Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!

Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.

@GoldenSpirals

No matter how prepared you think you are,

a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.