If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
You Might Also Like
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
*feels the wind in my toe hair
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
I
T
H
I
N
KW
ES
H
O
U
L
DR
U
I
NP
E
O
P
L
E
ST
I
M
E
L
I
N
EB
YT
W
E
E
T
I
N
GL
I
K
ET
H
I
SA
L
LD
A
Y
.
.
.
.
.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp