College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
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Buddy: her boyfriend was killed?
Me: Yeah, she said he was hung like a horse but I’m like, who even kills horses like that?
[front of card]
No one will find your body
as attractive as I do
[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
I went to buy a suit. But i saw a beautiful pair of shoes. So i bought this handbag.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about