I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
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Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die