@krisv_723

I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.

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@CrockettsBeard

I edited all the slow motion scenes in Baywatch back to regular speed. The entire series was only 16 minutes long.

@rad_milk

i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them

@littlemy

tried to make a stew and accidentally summoned a demon again.

@Sanbel11

Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.

@seamussaid

it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”

@jokeymcjokeface

Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”

@realHamOnWry

Don’t let them fool you. Squirrels are just rats dressed in Armani.

@daemonic3

“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”

STEVE: How about a Kasteve?

BOB: I have a better idea