@krisv_723

I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.

You Might Also Like

@freypalm

College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.

Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.

@uncle_fescue

Buddy: her boyfriend was killed?

Me: Yeah, she said he was hung like a horse but I’m like, who even kills horses like that?

@ElleOhHell

[front of card]
No one will find your body

[open card]
as attractive as I do

[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft

@anerdonfire2

The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.

@ProdigyNelson

Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit

@PetrickSara

I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.

@yassinovic89

Women’s logic:
I went to buy a suit. But i saw a beautiful pair of shoes. So i bought this handbag.

@elle91

YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN

@DrakeGatsby

“Let’s circle back”

– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring

“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”

– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about