@krisv_723

I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.

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@pixelatedboat

My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist

@traciebreaux

i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls

@1_swarthy_dude

[texting]

HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?

Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium

HG: ?

N: SeNd NeWDs

@Dustinkcouch

customer: can we get a plate a fries for the table

me (first day as a waiter): ahh i don’t think we’re allowed to feed the tables

boss: can i talk to you for a sec

me: what’s up

boss: you’re doing a great job. i want those tables to suffer

@dave_cactus

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?

@krakkenlackin

“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance

@thagr8short1

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’

@J2ocean_

Prince Harry tasted seasoned food and was like I knew there was more to life than this monarchy

@CruisinSoozan

Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?