I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
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*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
Received some very disappointing news today
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
If you know, you know 😂🚔
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
Blew out my flip flop…
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.