@thestlouisan

I Don’t Know, In The House Somewhere
-A family autobiography

You Might Also Like

@DurtMcHurtt

Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.

@Sotherans

ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets

ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions

CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not

ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her

@pilau

My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right

@abbycohenwl

If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob

@Spaziotwat

My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.

@KalvinMacleod

DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*

@Book_Krazy

No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.

@sofarrsogud

*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.

@atanenhaus

I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!

@Jenny4ashley

How to lose weight:

1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall