Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
I Don’t Know, In The House Somewhere
-A family autobiography
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ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DAD: *nods his approval*
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall