Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
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Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
the noise i just made
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot