I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
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Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
I identify as an antique shop.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.