My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
I don’t know, the friend zone sounds like a cool place with pizza and laser tag
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“Its not you. Its me.”
~ twins going through a photo album
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
Every TV commercial right now: “You’re not just a customer, you’re family.”
All of us: “That’s actually worse.”
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
that de-escalated quickly
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
BAT: as a what
BAT: say it