I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
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my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
when dads have a rap battle
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.