@MatMarcotte12

I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese

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@SortaBad

Why I don’t get dates:

Her: It’s been light-years since I’ve had this much fun

Me: Actually, a light-year is a unit of distance, not time

@daemonic3

[1st day as IT guy]

CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?

ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok

@TylerLinkin

Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.

@Cheeseboy22

I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.

@iamspacegirl

*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.

@HomeProbably

When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.

@RodLacroix

Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!

Me: It’s Tuesday.

Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!

@stuzario

Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house