Why I don’t get dates:
Her: It’s been light-years since I’ve had this much fun
Me: Actually, a light-year is a unit of distance, not time
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
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[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
* drinks 6 pack of muscle milk *
* checks for abs *
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?