@Coastiefish

I don’t know the lyrics to any of Pitbull’s songs, but in my defense, I’m not really convinced he does either.

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@pixelatedboat

The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini

@LizHackett

The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.

@JohnLyonTweets

Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.

Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.

Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…

@thinkingparsnip

*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS

@whatmaddness

Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.

@werehedgehog

Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.

@mixedgrass

If a British guy caught his wife cheating he’d probably be like “right. what’s all this then”

@RandySmithWhat

“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus

@PresTightrhymes

*showing friend my new place*

Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?