Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
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ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
All excellent questions
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high