I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
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The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer