@WhatevaConc

I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.

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@balloonsmatt

Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.

@weinerdog4life

How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.

@realHamOnWry

These days, satisfying my sex drive is like using Uber. It’s a nervous ride with a stranger who expects to be paid after we reach the end.

@GlennyRodge

A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.

@_keels_

I’m fairly certain that kids only have ears for decorative purposes.

@everywhereist

I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.

“Do you know anything about this teapot?”

“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”

“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”

@lmegordon

Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.

– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill

@JennyPentland

Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.