Peoples whose sliding closet doors never come off their tracks, what do you do with the rest of your dark magic?
“I don’t know what else to say…”
Me, giving my husband false hope
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Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
My phone never asks me to put my husband down.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill