@mstluvstrinkets

“I don’t know what else to say…”

Me, giving my husband false hope

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@lyric_intent

Peoples whose sliding closet doors never come off their tracks, what do you do with the rest of your dark magic?

@jackiembouvier

Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?

@DanRegans

I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying

@pixelatedboat

*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead

@ranndrew

Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.

@ShootyDoody

Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.

@TeflonPawn

Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.

@msdanifernandez

My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”

@maryfairybobrry

Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill