Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
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why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Speak now or ever hold your peace