i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
You Might Also Like
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
The booster protects against what, now?
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
I need to update my racial profile.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit